I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
