Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
