i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
