I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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