The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
