Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
