I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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