She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
