nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
