I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
