Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
