i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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