I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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