I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
