dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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