"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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