I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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