Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
