So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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