don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
