I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
