The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
