my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
