another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
