I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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