That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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