My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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