Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
