My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Randomize
