i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
