On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
