I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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