He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
