i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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