Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Fuck appropriateness.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
