so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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