I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
