not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
