WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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