I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
