I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i believe in u and ur pee
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
