How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
