im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"