somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
