dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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