shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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