Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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