chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
