He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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