we have pet lesbian snakes
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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