I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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