I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
