It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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