This is not my ceiling
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
