I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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