i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
