I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
