Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
