you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
