I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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