The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
