I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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